Figuring out His plan.

So I had applied to a summer project with crusade. I procrastinated on raising support. I'm not going now. Was it the will of God for me to not venture of to NYC or have I missed out on a part of His plan? I do need to catch up on a few things this summer and get a job so I may have an apartment in the fall. On the flip side of things I get to spend time with my mom; work with the vacation bible school at my church of which I've been appointed drama director and costume/set designer; and work on my photography/art. That last sentence was a stretch of longness. My grammar skills are failing ha.

So as the pressures around me motivate me to get a job, pay bills, and climb out of this small hole I've managed to put myself into I realize that I said farewell to the responsible me I used to know a while back. It's like an amnesia that clouds my mind of what happened. I just kinda stopped being on top of things. If I want to make it in this life I must seek God's plan for me. It's time for me to be the good steward, in fact great steward I should be with God's money He has so graciously given me. I've asked Him to help me use the talents He's given me to honor and glorify His might name. A friend of mine prayed, and told me he felt led to purchase me a very expensive camera. I'm still in shock about this. I needed this to fulfill a job I had lined up, and now I've been provided with this. Thank you Lord! I don't want to disappoint you with this provisions you've given me. 

Perhaps this summer I'm supposed to realize more who I am, and what God wants for my life. I'm open to your will Lord. Please give me the discipline, wisdom, discernment, and vision to follow your will Lord. This is my fervent prayer. I've been out of your will before and it's not a good place to be. It's the most cluttered emptiness there is. Like a man being drawn and quartered, he's pulled in every direction until he's ripped apart and dies. What is your will for me? I can't help but think of the many possibilities there could be. Will I become a teacher of art who does mission work on the side? A business owner? I'd really like to own several on the side. How will I change the world for you? Will I go into full time missions traveling the globe showing the world what you are doing through the lens of my camera, and sharing your priceless Gospel? Who is my future wife? How many children will I have? You've given these desires to me to become a husband, father, teacher, photographer, business owner, world changer, and missionary. How will these desires fall into place I ask myself and you. As if you were to tell me just like that, what fun would it be. I'm sure I couldn't handle knowing it all right then anyway. None the less you've given me these thoughts, ideas, desires and I want to make the best of them. Please equip me to do so. Lead me in your paths of righteousness. Let my cup that's overflowing lend to others cups through you Lord, so that they too may be filled. 

Lately I felt less of a drive to find "her" "the one". Am I coming to terms that it's in your time or am I giving up or fooling myself into thinking I have? Am I getting lost in you to the point I don't worry about such? I feel different about it but I can't quite put my finger on it. I've slowly learned what I want in a wife. First and foremost she must love you Lord with all her heart, as I must as well. Everything else are just smaller details it seems compared to that. I can't help but think of who she might be. Have I met her already I wonder often. Will she literally take my breath away? Is it a girl I currently would like to get to know better? What will our story be? I hope it's a good one, but that's probably the movie fan in me, though I read that can it just leave an unfulfilled idea in ones mind. But through you Lord I know it will be better than anything I could ever imagine. Let me be the best Godly husband I can possibly be to her, guide me with her Lord, and prepare me to take care, support, love and protect her. Thank you.

Let me be a great father Lord, and spiritual head of the household and lead my future family with you at the helm of this ship. I remember my friend Dusty saying he prayed for his sons to be warriors for you God. I want that too Lord. Let my children be followers of you, fierce leaders of your name with love, compassion, and a drive to share the Gospel in whatever paths you have for them. Let them be warriors for you Lord. I didn't even intend for this post to turn into a prayer for you Lord, but I'm glad it has. I feel as if it's much needed. A cold drink of water after a long journey through a hot dry desert. My glass can only spill what it contains, so please fill my glass with your love and holy, honoring, shameless things Lord.

Your son,

Jason